Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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