He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
