things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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