i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
