I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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