What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
