I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
True college students do jello shots in the library
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