Got a toothbrush?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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