Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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