omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
