He asked to "fluff my boner.."
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
