Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
