fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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