just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
