After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
