I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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