Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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