I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
