captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
