can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
