I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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