Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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