Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
