WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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