Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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