Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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