I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
