trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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