i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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