I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
