I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
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