I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think my vagina is haunted
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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