when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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