Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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