You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
