Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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