Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
