the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
