my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
