I want to make a zoo with you.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
