When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
