She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
