you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend