They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
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I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
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Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going