My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
