So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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