I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
