last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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