Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
