I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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