the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
