just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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