I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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