After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
not ubering you a puppy
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
