I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
