There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
