woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We just shotgunned beers for America
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
