Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So many bounce houses so little time
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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