A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
