"it" just moved
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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