i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
